I guess my recent state of mind and realization is beginning to tell on my physical appearance.
In the past one year, I had been battling with this self war. I call it self war because, I was in it alone. Alone because, there is no way my husband was going to understand this. He would never understand my frustration. That feeling that is beyond verbal explanation. The feeling that you are not maximizing your utmost potential. Something you are unable to explain to anyone whom you think that you might be complaining to without the person thinking you are just making a fuss over nothing. That very thing you want to share with your mother because you feel she has been in it and out of it but she rather goes biased because she does not ever want her daughter to pass through what she did in the course of marriage. Same thing that makes you want to talk with your husband because it is said that you should communicate and talk things out, rather it leads to argument and quarrel because he just doesn't and will never understand what you are feeling. It is that which makes you long for a longer hug from your husband and yet you won't get it, you want him to ask you questions like "how do you feel", "what do you want for dinner today? let me take you out, you just want to cuddle without it having to end in sex because you need to feel appreciated. You want that extra attention and compliment and yet you don't get it.
You want to feel sexy and yet you are stuck with constant planning on how to organise the home, kids pick up and drop off, washing of the children's muddy legs from playing, church, cooking etc.
Marriage at this time is indeed heavy! You and your husband are so irritable and snap at each other at the slightest chance. All your thoughts are, " did I make a wrong choice? " What did I see in him in the first place"? divorce and separation in your mind and you are just waiting for the grave offense to capitalize on to leave the marriage yet it doesn't come. It doesn't come because there is supposedly nothing going wrong yet you are so choked.
I was in the fore of this self battle. I needed to restore my sanity. I wallowed in self pity and could hardly discuss this because I see other women displaying love for their husbands in different manners - writing epic love messages on social media on how "he and marriage" is the best thing that has happened to them in their life time.
One day I decided to embark on a journey of self realization. You know what I found out? More than half of the women are living in denial . I was shocked to hear some of these people who write those sweet things tell me what they are passing through. I would call their act a defense mechanism. And I wouldn't blame them either because it probably gives them the euphoria of how things are "supposed to be" or how the would want their lives to be. No blames at all because it's a challenging state to find yourself in. So, I decided to visit some friends over a period of time. I opened up just a bit of how I was feeling even to complete strangers. Alas! It cuts across board in the female world. You are either in it or has passed that phase or yet to be there.
Today I am at peace with myself and look "happy" like my friend said because I now know better. I only had to hear THE OTHER WOMAN'S STORY to strike my resonance.
This is what I did.
The first step was to tell myself that I was in this alone because he will never understand what I am going through because he is not a woman hence, no point trying to force him to understand me. This helped my psyche because, I had to make conscious effort to make sure I get myself out of this cocoon. Secondly, when I heard others tell their own story of this same script with different casts, I felt relieved that mine is not the worst and that it's only a phase that must definitely come and pass. There is nothing worse than feeling that you are the one who is worse off in a situation. That realization takes off the chunk of the heavy weight. I began to look at my situation in a different way even my husband because in the heat of the moment, you begin to see those things about him which you have been blind to. Now you have to switch your mode back to the blind state.
You need to pry from my spoken words to know the unspoken here.
Conclusively, I had to change my attitude to change my life.
I am that beautiful woman "who is happy and well taken care of" because I have found the eye of my storm.